2012 Webster's Dictionary Errata

This started as a "phrases that don't make sense to me" list; and then it morphed into a collection of updated definitions for words and phrases, and other cynical observations I made while being really bored at work.  Now, it's just some randomly organized list of evidence that I'm probably not focused enough at what I'm being paid to do; but you know what?  I'm okay with it.  Let's get to it!

• Dastardly: what is a dastard?  Doesn't exist right?  So how can someone or something be or do something in the manner of one, when it doesn't exist?  I move that, rather than strike "dastardly" from our lexicon, we instead add "Dastard" to it immediately.  

      Side note: shouldn't "bastardly" be added to the lexicon as well?  Answer: yes!

• "It is what it is": Of course it "is what it is," how could it ever be what it isn't?  Well, I mean, unless its just a lying dastard. 

                  (See?  It works!  Use it!)

• "Can I be completely honest with you?": why, are you generally not?  Also, why would you feel like you had to ask me first, do you assume that I prefer being lied to?
• Misappropriation: sounds like a beauty pageant for accountants. 
• "I Love Glee": Does not compute; how can you love something that is the opposite of entertaining?
• Disneyworld: ..."Hi Mr. Eisner?  This is Astronomy.  Turns out a 'world' is larger than a few square blocks in Orlando.  By a lot, actually."
• "I love _____ to death": always seems to precede a reason why you hate said person/thing.  Also...doesn't this phrase imply a disturbing correlation between loving something and wanting to kill it?
• "Like a Boss": based on my experience with bosses, if you use this phrase you are calling yourself a stupid, petty, arrogant bag of douche whose sole qualifications for the position seems to be that he/she has spent too much time here to be valuable anywhere else, and now he/she is stuck.
• "I don't mean to be rude": I do; I just want you to think that I don't.
• "It doesn't matter to me/Either one is fine", etc: this is a ticking time bomb.  I have a strongly held preference but I expect you to know already which one it is and make the correct choice; and if you choose wrong, I get to hate you forever.
• The Real Canadian Superstore: (Seriously, this exists.  Here, look.)

           I've tried, but have yet to find the Fake Canadian Superstore to which it compares itself.

• "I had a friend once who...": I'm about to tell you a very embarrassing personal anecdote.        
• "A funny thing happened to me...": I'm about to tell you a boring personal anecdote.
• "Let's just be friends": I have no interest in or attraction to you, but I want to keep the door open in case nothing better comes along in the next few weeks and I get lonely or bored.
• "I had a good time" (post-date): thanks for the free meal, suckah!
• Coldplay: U2 Jr.
• U2: Irish rock band that is about to break Aerosmith's record for longest, most successful career in which you couldn't compile a single, complete listenable album from their entire catalog.
• "I love the 80's": I was born in 1993 and have been told by MTV and Ryan Seacrest that the 80's were cool.
• People Person: describes someone that is desperate for everyone else's attention.
• Politician: a profession marked by a disturbing compulsion to interfere in other peoples' business and then lie about it.
• Motivational posters/speakers/phrases: they don't actually ever motivate me; they just make me sad for the people that find them motivating.

            Side note: what's with all of the pre-final battle motivational speeches in war movies?  I mean, take Gibson's speech in Braveheart.  It was a great speech, right?  Too bad he was saying it to an army of about five thousand people in the middle of an open field on a windy day and only the fifty guys closest to him ever really heard it.  The rest of the army was standing in the back thinking, "What's happening, did we cancel the battle?  Why are we still just standing here, let's go home; I'm starting to get hungry. ...I want some mutton."  

• Relationship: describes a process whereby you will spend a lot of money and enormous amounts of time on creating a new enemy.
• "I just bought a new hat": (if female) - I'm bad with money.

                                                      (if male)   - I'm bad with people.
     (Exceptions are granted for team sports caps.  I never hate on someone supporting their team.  Unless...)

• "I'm a Yankees/Lakers fan" (outside of NY or LA): I know nothing about sports.

           (The only acceptable exceptions are for those who have spent at least 3 years living in NY or LA).

• "Inception is the best movie I've ever seen": I've never seen the Godfather Part II.

           (Just to be clear, I'm not hating on Inception...I'm just ...loving (?) on the Godfather)

• "Back in high school, I...": I'm about to tell you an outrageous lie.
• "_____________ is better/as good as Michael Jordan": I know nothing about basketball.
• "I don't like the Beatles": I hate awesome music.
• "I'm a cat person": I plan on spending the majority of my life alone.
• Cognitive thinking: ...thinking thinking?  That seems redundant.
• Under/over-whelming: you can't over- or under- something that doesn't exist; except I guess in Europe.
• Understand: you can't over-stand something, can you?  ...Can you possibly over-understand?  
• Mis-estimate: describes the process of under/over estimating something.  Why doesn't this word exist?  It's a ton of fun to say; go on, try it!
• Star Wars: I don't care what the titles say, when I say the first Star Wars, it never refers to the Phantom Menace;  and the same holds true for the sequels and their respective prequels.  If you want to celebrate a fat old man's pathetic descent into mediocrity, go listen to a Bruce Springsteen album; leave me out of it.
• Memo: every single one should read, "Insert immediately into the trash can."  ...Cause that's where they end up. 
• Invoice: is your response an outvoice?
• Common Sense: in my experience, it seems to be more exclusive than the term would imply.
• Nonconformist: highly conformist to less-popular trends, and more judgmental about it.
• "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual": translation - I'm really high right now.
• Classic Nicknames (Robert/Bob, William/Bill, John/Jack, James/Jim, etc.): I'm no genius, but...aren't those just different names?  Especially Jack.  I don't know; if it was me, none of these would sound like nicknames, I would kind of feel like you just forgot my name.

            Side note: I miss the nicknames from 1900 - 1950, when you could just take someone's most prominent physical characteristic or dominant personality trait and that would be their nickname forever.  Gone are such gems as: Horse Face, Suitcase, Twitch, Fats, Skinny, Slick, Red, _______ the Nose/Head/Whale/Shark/Hat, etc; and of course, the always popular Incontinence Joe...okay, I made that last one up.

• "___________ the crap out of ___________": I really hope that isn't literal.