Manliest dude in the history of the world; who was it? No! No! Wrong; just stop guessing cause unless you said John Wayne, you're wrong. Although given that his name is in the title, you should have been right - even if you wouldn't have otherwise guessed his name; in which case you'd figuratively be right, but still be oh so very wrong. Hands down. Dude was so manly, that simply by virtue of walking through a couple of dusty towns and riding around on some pure-bred equestrian wildfires, he birthed the stereotype that single-handedly killed the western - the world's manliest type of movie - as a viable film genre. Think about it: after he died, no one wanted to watch a western anymore; because they knew, without a doubt, that there was no chance John Wayne was going to show up and immediately make this boring movie AWESOME! But I mean, can you blame us? "Okay, so I'm going to watch a bunch of Italian dudes trudge around in the desert on horseback while pretending to speak in horribly overdubbed English, while Clint Eastwood pretends to be able to communicate with them, and you're telling me there's no chance that John Wayne's going to put in an appearance? Like, not even a cameo or something? No?! Then what the hell am I watching?! And Johnny Depp's in it? Hmmm...pass."
Seriously, everyone watched any movie that John Wayne was ever in, and they all loved it. Every dude in the 60's and 70's tried to act like John Wayne, bearing great burdens with dignity, remaining aloof from the women they loved because love was a weakness, an emotional frailty which the Duke could not afford: because shit was about to go down in the streets, and he didn't have time to be ruled by something as mundane and unimportant as feelings.
But it wasn't just the men; all the women loved him too! And why not? He was tall, handsome, had a deep, rich, baritone voice, called everybody "pilgrim," and had charisma leaking out of him like the after-shocks of a late night run to taco bell.
You know what I mean, right? You get up to the drive-thru and you're like: "Yay, fourth meal!" And then ten minutes later you're like "ugh...fourth meal. Sorry guys, I gotta...go." And no one argues with you, because they're all thinking the same thing: "Please god, don't let the one hot girl in our group see me waddle away like this." She did though; and that's why she broke your heart the next day when she canceled your previously scheduled date.
"Oh yeah, Kyle? I know we said that we were going to go watch the sunset up at Boink-Out point tomorrow night, but...one of my girlfriends just came into town, and I kind of promised to take her antiquing so..."
"Oh, [covers phone to hide the sound of his heart and ego shattering into so many smithereens] What about Friday?"
"Ah, you know I kinda just feel like...I mean, I like you so much as a friend - like, so, so, so, so much - that I don't really want to jeopardize what we already have; I just don't feel like the timing is right you know?"
And even though every fiber of your genitals is screaming at you to say "No! NOOOOOOOO that's a load of bullshit; tell her you want to jeopardize the hell out of it! I don't care if we're even Facebook friends in three months, you seal this deal you stupid idiot!" Instead, you hear yourself saying words out of very own back-stabbing, Benedict Arnold-ing mouth, "yeah; yeah I...that makes sense, you know? Maybe we can try again later, when the timing's right -"
"Yeah...it won't be though. Anyways, gotta go. Bye!"
Then as you're about to hang up, you hear her say, "Hey Mike! That was Kyle; yeah, can you believe he actually asked me out? I know, after he totally crapped his pants at taco bell last night! So anyway, I'm free right now; want to go bone?" And that's just how it goes, because girls are weird: they do not find incontinence attractive in a man. What can do? They just don't, and they never will, no matter how many times you try to convince them otherwise. Zach Effron could reveal to the world tomorrow that he has struggled for years with severe IBS issues, and every woman in the world would stop following him on twitter, as they let out a unison, and positively, staggeringly Worrell-ian, "Eewww."
There's only one man in the world who could get away with it (and probably already did), and that man's name...yep, you guessed it: John M. F'ing Wayne.
Well, and Jeff Daniels (and no, I'm not going to link to the video. Give me some credit, geez!*); so, two guys I guess. But that's it; that's the list. So keep that in mind the next time you're looking for a cheap date and even cheaper "Mexican" food; just buy some ground beef and tortillas from the store and cook it at home. That way if it doesn't sit right, you can always feign some sort of emergency and get her the hell out of there before the uprising in your stomach reaches DEFCON 1. (By the way, that whole video gets even funnier it you are childish and immature, and imagine the war-room as the inside of your colon. But you probably already realized that).
And yes, I'm aware that this started out as ridiculously effusive praise of a man long dead, and ended up quite literally in the toilet. But you know what? Life is full of these little oddities, and I'm okay with it. Maybe you should be too.
*Just kidding! No credit asked, none given, as my denied loan applications always say.
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